HAPPY LOVE DAY EVERYONE!

Picture the situation, you're a priest, and you fanny about marrying couples against the will of the Roman Emperor...as you do...and then all of a sudden some bastards kill you. That is the (abridged) story of St. Valentine as first told in the Nuremberg Chronicle in 1493. The fact that this story was described at least 1000 years after Valentine's canonisation, let alone his life, is of no bearing...What I want to know is, why did they kill him?



You see, most would say it was the whole 'encouraging the marriage of Christians' thing...No, no, no....You see I think it is possibly because people in the olde worlde bible days, had magical powers of premonition. They saw that in about 1,500 years time, people would be running around like headless chickens buying up everything cute, fluffy, red, chocolaty, boozy, cuddly, sparkly, spangly, dangly, lovey, dovey and generally tatty in order to profess some sort of love to someone who, lets face it, they're probably going to end up breaking up with anyway.

It defies logic.


Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter because I am single, I have a partner, we are engaged and are relatively happy together. I am not bitter at all...I am merely baffled by how shallow the whole thing is.



My girlfriend has recently been suffering a bout of chronic sciatic pain. It has meant that I have spent a great deal of time, and love, picking her up, putting her down, running her errands, doing the chores; with absolutely no contemplation of any reward to myself. And yet, if I were to not get her a Valentine's Day card, she would find it logical to feel in some way unloved...

...WHAT!?



How the hell does this love thing work? "Oh, yeah sacrifice your life for me all you want, but God-Damn it if I don't an overpriced piece of paper with a kitten on it, and something red and fluffy, so help me I will ditch your arse!"


"But what about the kids!?"

"SOD THE KIDS! I WANT WORTHLESS FLUFFY SHITE!"



To all those of you who are single, never, ever look at Valentine's Day as a depressing time. Just imagine the dent in your finances from having to purchase all that tat...And check out the prices two months before and I guarantee they at least double by February 14th.



The other problem I have is that it is all very sexist as well, isn't it? I mean, everything seems to be about men taking the initiative to buy things for women. While it could be argued that this is because women remember while men need reminding, this is also extremely sexist; there have been no scientific studies that show women have better memories than men, as far as I know, and when such supposed 'studies' do crop up, the evidence is generally misinterpreted, falsely correlated or even just plain corrupt. Therefore, why are there no posters up saying "CHICKS! MEN DIG BEERS!" whereas there are thousands essentially saying "MEN! CHICKS DIG BEARS!" At least Christmas gives a fair whack of attention to all, an over-consumerist religious festival is all vaguely acceptable (I won't be saying that at Christmas!), so long as it is not sexist, racist or prejudiced, but Valentine's Day so openly is that it should be arrested.



If a lady was approached by a grotesque blob of male; an overweight balding misogynist, who smacked her on her arse, put his face between her tits, went "brrbrbbrbrbrbr" into them and then said "Buy your man something nice!" he would be arrested for sexual assault. However, adverts all over the place are essentially doing the same thing to men, except with a far more psychologically sinister undertone. "Buying your lady some chocolates sir...Well, we do have a reasonable box for £6, but....You don't really love her unless you get these £50 chocolates, do you now!?"

"Yes, your lady may be a bit partial to a Chauvignon Blanc, but, does it have bubbles?...You see, if it doesn't have bubbles you won't get any sex, and she'll probably leave you for your best friend...I know Champagne taste like stale cats piss...but it doesn't matter...Oh and I forget to mention...WE CAN NOW MAKE IT PINK!"



This is why society seems to be having more divorces than weddings these days. People like breaking up more than they do getting together because when they're together businesses are constantly bombarding people with messages that essentially equate to "If you love him/her you'd buy it!"

It's a sorry state of affairs really.



The problem is though, that people get away with it because, contrary to what women all want to believe, men are actually the fairer sex. We may have testosterone, male bonding, and an inbuilt desire to witness or be part of violence. But that's just from our former (and in some cases current) role as protectors and fighters. But when a man makes an attachment to a woman he is utterly powerless. The story of Sampson and Delilah, whether true or not, is perfectly allegorical to how men behave; we give up all of our power. While there are some exceptions, the majority of families I know of are matriarchal. Even old fashioned relationships, where the men go out and work and the women look after the kids, if that woman wasn't there that man would be up a particular faecal creek without a propellant device. In terms of extra-marital affairs, it has been proven (in non biased, non gender supportive psychological studies) that women are more likely to have an affair just for fun, than men. Men tend to have affairs out of lack of confidence, low self esteem or a feeling of being hen-pecked and nagged. Men give the power to do that to women...If our mates gave us half as much shit as our girlfriends we'd batter them, but we go all doe eyed and sappy when it comes to our ladies and this is possibly man's greatest weakness, and the reason why Tosspot, Wanker and Prick Advertising Co. can get away with making us feel emasculated if we don't go overboard on our overdrafts at this time of year.



So advertising execs. swarthy bastards in their nice suits with their sports cars...Well I hope they crash those sports cars at incredibly high speeds because the emotional blackmailing of the general (but particularly male) population at this time of year is inexcusable. I never see a poster in a shop saying "Show her your love with an attentive evening, a nice home cooked meal, and some passionate love making..." instead all I see is "Buy her roses and diamonds and kittens and balloons and red shit and black shit and nipple tassels and chocolates and champagne and caviar and go to a restaurant and buy more champagne at the restaurant and eat lobster at the restaurant and then buy expensive sheets and more roses to pick off the petals and shower the bed with them and then have sex with her but buy these expensive sex toys because you're inadequate, sex wise, and make sure you get the premium model, it's all gotta be premium or she'll think you're a cheapskate, can't have that now can we big man...yeah, not such a big man now are ya...that's right, get your wallet out, show the world how you really show someone you love them..."





So, that's why St. Valentine was killed. Because he's a c*nt and they knew it...





...Now I'm just off to the shops to buy some roses, and chocolates, or I'll be in the doghouse later.