D'ya like dags?

You know, Dags. Those little bundles of fluff so many of us love to love. Well, D'ya like dags...Or, dogs as they are more commonly known.

It seems a rather disproportionate amount of people do, indeed like dags. So much so that across the board of people who have pets, dogs are probably top of the heap. And you always hear the same reasons.

Well, I'm here to tell people, quite controversially...I do not like dogs. No, I will not provide you with an address to send me hate mail, I will, however, provide an excellent argument as to why, beginning with the reasons people love dogs.

1) They're so loyal!

Aww...how sweet your dog is hopelessly devoted to you huh!? But, due to their pack nature your dog would be limitlessly friendly and hopelessly loyal to anyone who beats it, feeds it, pays it attention or fucks it. They're pack animals, dogs will always follow the leader and if you happen to be the purveyor of fine foods and drinks then you are, without a doubt, the leader. Your dog doesn't love you, you just feed it. But, oh, you say, there have been cases of dogs helping their owners out in selfless acts of love! But you look me in the eye and tell me honestly if you had a man or woman who went out, did your grocery shopping, paid for it for you and prepared every meal for you and you found out they needed a fucking kidney or they would die, you honestly look me in the eye and tell me the first thing that would pop into your head wouldn't be "shit I'd better give em me kidney, who'll feed me otherwise!" Dogs are dumb pack animals. You don't believe me, I could prove it. Any of you give me your dog and I guarantee within a day of beatings it will be at my mercy, staring at me with hopeful glassy eyes and collecting my fucking mail.

2) They're so cute.

Wow, you must have incredibly bad eyesight because most breeds of dog are not cute. An Alsatian is not cute, it's fucking scary, and Dobermans just look like weapons. Besides which, breeds of dog are so twisted it is sick. What has happened is that so much sick breeding and inbreeding over thousands of years have rendered one species (YES, domestic dogs are all one species, Canis familiaris) to have multiple forms, most of which are not pretty. Sharpei dogs just look like someone has put googly eyes on a furry scrotum with legs, they're all wrinkle skinned and ugly, what the hell is wrong with those chihuahua rat things. Vainglorious society girls really dig those dogs, but there is something sinister and extraterrestrial about their appearance. And what the fuck is up with a pekingese! That is what happens when you take Dougal from The Magic Roundabout and smash his fucking face in. I mean, seriously people, what is up with you, as if our own British Royal Family was not a bad enough advert for inbreeding, you take an already ugly mutt and breed it with similar looking ugly mutts, possibly from the same litter until you have something with an appearance akin to the love child of Anne Widdicombe and Winston Churchill with it's faced pushed up against glass, that sounds like a pair of bellows farting when it breathes and suffers from so many underlying disorders that essentially what you have bred is a barely functioning handicapped inbred child that if it was the result of a human brother and sister, would have been aborted. And that example just happens to be our own Great British bulldog. Seriously, they're not cute.

and
3) It's better than a cat.

Oh...Oh oh no. You did not just say that did you...The Egyptians held cats in deified esteem for a reason, because cats just are superior. The same reasons I hate dogs is the same reasons I adore cats. For one thing, when a cat is loyal there is usually a reason. I have a cat and, to be fair I just took it in. I didn't go to a store to buy it, it turned up at my place skinny as a rake scrounging kebab. It looked a young cat, it was definitely underweight and it took a lot for me to gain it's trust. Number one reason why cats are great. A dog would take one snack and be licking peanut butter off your balls the next second. Cats take time. The other thing is that a properly trained cat doesn't need you. You know that when that cat comes around and jumps on your lap, it isn't there because it needs you, it is there because it wants to be. Back to the example of my cat, after gaining it's trust the first thing I did was play with it a lot, it was so skinny when it turned up at my house that it couldn't have been hunting and, probably wasn't all too good at it. A bit of playing later and boom, you've got rats on your doorstep. But this ultimately meant the cat was independent. It didn't need me to feed it, or look after it. It just liked the easy food and the attentive company. Cats are selfish and superior like that. In much the same way that a rich woman will have a housekeeper rather than do the chores herself. Cats are superior because they don't need humans, they just find us convenient. It is admirably selfish behaviour and a lot better than the doe eyed 'love' and 'loyalty' shown by man's supposed best friend the crotch-sniffing superbeing that is Canis familiaris.

This is not an off the cuff opinion. I have hated dogs for a long time. They smell, even when you've just bathed them. They drool, because, well, they're stupid, and the fact that human beings are so quick to attach emotion to beasts when actually thousands of years of evolved behaviour explain the position so much better, well, it just annoys the hell out of me.

In the words of that cold hearted miser from The Simpsons, Mr. Burns "If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?"