D'ya like dags?

You know, Dags. Those little bundles of fluff so many of us love to love. Well, D'ya like dags...Or, dogs as they are more commonly known.

It seems a rather disproportionate amount of people do, indeed like dags. So much so that across the board of people who have pets, dogs are probably top of the heap. And you always hear the same reasons.

Well, I'm here to tell people, quite controversially...I do not like dogs. No, I will not provide you with an address to send me hate mail, I will, however, provide an excellent argument as to why, beginning with the reasons people love dogs.

1) They're so loyal!

Aww...how sweet your dog is hopelessly devoted to you huh!? But, due to their pack nature your dog would be limitlessly friendly and hopelessly loyal to anyone who beats it, feeds it, pays it attention or fucks it. They're pack animals, dogs will always follow the leader and if you happen to be the purveyor of fine foods and drinks then you are, without a doubt, the leader. Your dog doesn't love you, you just feed it. But, oh, you say, there have been cases of dogs helping their owners out in selfless acts of love! But you look me in the eye and tell me honestly if you had a man or woman who went out, did your grocery shopping, paid for it for you and prepared every meal for you and you found out they needed a fucking kidney or they would die, you honestly look me in the eye and tell me the first thing that would pop into your head wouldn't be "shit I'd better give em me kidney, who'll feed me otherwise!" Dogs are dumb pack animals. You don't believe me, I could prove it. Any of you give me your dog and I guarantee within a day of beatings it will be at my mercy, staring at me with hopeful glassy eyes and collecting my fucking mail.

2) They're so cute.

Wow, you must have incredibly bad eyesight because most breeds of dog are not cute. An Alsatian is not cute, it's fucking scary, and Dobermans just look like weapons. Besides which, breeds of dog are so twisted it is sick. What has happened is that so much sick breeding and inbreeding over thousands of years have rendered one species (YES, domestic dogs are all one species, Canis familiaris) to have multiple forms, most of which are not pretty. Sharpei dogs just look like someone has put googly eyes on a furry scrotum with legs, they're all wrinkle skinned and ugly, what the hell is wrong with those chihuahua rat things. Vainglorious society girls really dig those dogs, but there is something sinister and extraterrestrial about their appearance. And what the fuck is up with a pekingese! That is what happens when you take Dougal from The Magic Roundabout and smash his fucking face in. I mean, seriously people, what is up with you, as if our own British Royal Family was not a bad enough advert for inbreeding, you take an already ugly mutt and breed it with similar looking ugly mutts, possibly from the same litter until you have something with an appearance akin to the love child of Anne Widdicombe and Winston Churchill with it's faced pushed up against glass, that sounds like a pair of bellows farting when it breathes and suffers from so many underlying disorders that essentially what you have bred is a barely functioning handicapped inbred child that if it was the result of a human brother and sister, would have been aborted. And that example just happens to be our own Great British bulldog. Seriously, they're not cute.

and
3) It's better than a cat.

Oh...Oh oh no. You did not just say that did you...The Egyptians held cats in deified esteem for a reason, because cats just are superior. The same reasons I hate dogs is the same reasons I adore cats. For one thing, when a cat is loyal there is usually a reason. I have a cat and, to be fair I just took it in. I didn't go to a store to buy it, it turned up at my place skinny as a rake scrounging kebab. It looked a young cat, it was definitely underweight and it took a lot for me to gain it's trust. Number one reason why cats are great. A dog would take one snack and be licking peanut butter off your balls the next second. Cats take time. The other thing is that a properly trained cat doesn't need you. You know that when that cat comes around and jumps on your lap, it isn't there because it needs you, it is there because it wants to be. Back to the example of my cat, after gaining it's trust the first thing I did was play with it a lot, it was so skinny when it turned up at my house that it couldn't have been hunting and, probably wasn't all too good at it. A bit of playing later and boom, you've got rats on your doorstep. But this ultimately meant the cat was independent. It didn't need me to feed it, or look after it. It just liked the easy food and the attentive company. Cats are selfish and superior like that. In much the same way that a rich woman will have a housekeeper rather than do the chores herself. Cats are superior because they don't need humans, they just find us convenient. It is admirably selfish behaviour and a lot better than the doe eyed 'love' and 'loyalty' shown by man's supposed best friend the crotch-sniffing superbeing that is Canis familiaris.

This is not an off the cuff opinion. I have hated dogs for a long time. They smell, even when you've just bathed them. They drool, because, well, they're stupid, and the fact that human beings are so quick to attach emotion to beasts when actually thousands of years of evolved behaviour explain the position so much better, well, it just annoys the hell out of me.

In the words of that cold hearted miser from The Simpsons, Mr. Burns "If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?"

HAPPY LOVE DAY EVERYONE!

Picture the situation, you're a priest, and you fanny about marrying couples against the will of the Roman Emperor...as you do...and then all of a sudden some bastards kill you. That is the (abridged) story of St. Valentine as first told in the Nuremberg Chronicle in 1493. The fact that this story was described at least 1000 years after Valentine's canonisation, let alone his life, is of no bearing...What I want to know is, why did they kill him?



You see, most would say it was the whole 'encouraging the marriage of Christians' thing...No, no, no....You see I think it is possibly because people in the olde worlde bible days, had magical powers of premonition. They saw that in about 1,500 years time, people would be running around like headless chickens buying up everything cute, fluffy, red, chocolaty, boozy, cuddly, sparkly, spangly, dangly, lovey, dovey and generally tatty in order to profess some sort of love to someone who, lets face it, they're probably going to end up breaking up with anyway.

It defies logic.


Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter because I am single, I have a partner, we are engaged and are relatively happy together. I am not bitter at all...I am merely baffled by how shallow the whole thing is.



My girlfriend has recently been suffering a bout of chronic sciatic pain. It has meant that I have spent a great deal of time, and love, picking her up, putting her down, running her errands, doing the chores; with absolutely no contemplation of any reward to myself. And yet, if I were to not get her a Valentine's Day card, she would find it logical to feel in some way unloved...

...WHAT!?



How the hell does this love thing work? "Oh, yeah sacrifice your life for me all you want, but God-Damn it if I don't an overpriced piece of paper with a kitten on it, and something red and fluffy, so help me I will ditch your arse!"


"But what about the kids!?"

"SOD THE KIDS! I WANT WORTHLESS FLUFFY SHITE!"



To all those of you who are single, never, ever look at Valentine's Day as a depressing time. Just imagine the dent in your finances from having to purchase all that tat...And check out the prices two months before and I guarantee they at least double by February 14th.



The other problem I have is that it is all very sexist as well, isn't it? I mean, everything seems to be about men taking the initiative to buy things for women. While it could be argued that this is because women remember while men need reminding, this is also extremely sexist; there have been no scientific studies that show women have better memories than men, as far as I know, and when such supposed 'studies' do crop up, the evidence is generally misinterpreted, falsely correlated or even just plain corrupt. Therefore, why are there no posters up saying "CHICKS! MEN DIG BEERS!" whereas there are thousands essentially saying "MEN! CHICKS DIG BEARS!" At least Christmas gives a fair whack of attention to all, an over-consumerist religious festival is all vaguely acceptable (I won't be saying that at Christmas!), so long as it is not sexist, racist or prejudiced, but Valentine's Day so openly is that it should be arrested.



If a lady was approached by a grotesque blob of male; an overweight balding misogynist, who smacked her on her arse, put his face between her tits, went "brrbrbbrbrbrbr" into them and then said "Buy your man something nice!" he would be arrested for sexual assault. However, adverts all over the place are essentially doing the same thing to men, except with a far more psychologically sinister undertone. "Buying your lady some chocolates sir...Well, we do have a reasonable box for £6, but....You don't really love her unless you get these £50 chocolates, do you now!?"

"Yes, your lady may be a bit partial to a Chauvignon Blanc, but, does it have bubbles?...You see, if it doesn't have bubbles you won't get any sex, and she'll probably leave you for your best friend...I know Champagne taste like stale cats piss...but it doesn't matter...Oh and I forget to mention...WE CAN NOW MAKE IT PINK!"



This is why society seems to be having more divorces than weddings these days. People like breaking up more than they do getting together because when they're together businesses are constantly bombarding people with messages that essentially equate to "If you love him/her you'd buy it!"

It's a sorry state of affairs really.



The problem is though, that people get away with it because, contrary to what women all want to believe, men are actually the fairer sex. We may have testosterone, male bonding, and an inbuilt desire to witness or be part of violence. But that's just from our former (and in some cases current) role as protectors and fighters. But when a man makes an attachment to a woman he is utterly powerless. The story of Sampson and Delilah, whether true or not, is perfectly allegorical to how men behave; we give up all of our power. While there are some exceptions, the majority of families I know of are matriarchal. Even old fashioned relationships, where the men go out and work and the women look after the kids, if that woman wasn't there that man would be up a particular faecal creek without a propellant device. In terms of extra-marital affairs, it has been proven (in non biased, non gender supportive psychological studies) that women are more likely to have an affair just for fun, than men. Men tend to have affairs out of lack of confidence, low self esteem or a feeling of being hen-pecked and nagged. Men give the power to do that to women...If our mates gave us half as much shit as our girlfriends we'd batter them, but we go all doe eyed and sappy when it comes to our ladies and this is possibly man's greatest weakness, and the reason why Tosspot, Wanker and Prick Advertising Co. can get away with making us feel emasculated if we don't go overboard on our overdrafts at this time of year.



So advertising execs. swarthy bastards in their nice suits with their sports cars...Well I hope they crash those sports cars at incredibly high speeds because the emotional blackmailing of the general (but particularly male) population at this time of year is inexcusable. I never see a poster in a shop saying "Show her your love with an attentive evening, a nice home cooked meal, and some passionate love making..." instead all I see is "Buy her roses and diamonds and kittens and balloons and red shit and black shit and nipple tassels and chocolates and champagne and caviar and go to a restaurant and buy more champagne at the restaurant and eat lobster at the restaurant and then buy expensive sheets and more roses to pick off the petals and shower the bed with them and then have sex with her but buy these expensive sex toys because you're inadequate, sex wise, and make sure you get the premium model, it's all gotta be premium or she'll think you're a cheapskate, can't have that now can we big man...yeah, not such a big man now are ya...that's right, get your wallet out, show the world how you really show someone you love them..."





So, that's why St. Valentine was killed. Because he's a c*nt and they knew it...





...Now I'm just off to the shops to buy some roses, and chocolates, or I'll be in the doghouse later.